the pounds

I went to the gym at lunch today. I love when I can do that - the gym is across the street from the office, and I feel like I "cheated" by not cutting into to evening plans or morning sleep. I biked for 20, ran for 20. I need to do more bricks because my lower legs/feet sometimes feel kind of numb when I run after pushing myself on the bike. It was fine.

But that's not what is on my mind. I can't get the POUNDS off my mind this week. Be forewarned, I think I'm about to go off on a rant here . . .

I consistently weigh about 145 pounds. There, I said it. This is the most I have ever weighed in my life. I think (hope) most would guess that I weigh less than that; that I carry it well. I think I am also in better shape than I have ever been in my life.

It's a cantankerous number. 145 is often the cutoff for the "Athena" division in triathlons. For men, there is often a "Clydesdale" division of 200+ pounds. This bugs me. I am not a big girl! I don't want to be in the big girl division!

I shouldn't complain; I'm really not overweight. I'm just toward the upper end of the "healthy" range.

I ran 15 miles on Saturday. On Sunday, I weighed myself, and I had gained a pound. WTF! Am I supposed to run 100 miles? I have seriously hoped that my scale was broken, and weighed myself at the gym to doublecheck it. No, it's not broken.

Calories in, calories out, right? Calories out are WAY up. Calories in are pretty constant. If anything, I eat healthier than ever. Sure, I like good food and wine, but I have cut out sugar and processed crap almost completely. So why haven't I lost any freaking weight?

The obvious answer is that muscle weighs more than fat. Yes, yes, I know. Husband says that most skinny women's arms are "like a sock full of pudding". Funny yes, but also true. My legs used to just be tubes - now there is actually visible muscle, shape, and something to flex.

Once upon a time, I weighed about 125 pounds. For years and years. Slowly added a pound or two a year, then weighed 135 for like, 5 years. I wasn't in shape then. But it was easier to fake. I would be so psyched to see 135 again. Even at 125 I was never particularly skinny.

I've been taking my measurements all this time. Since January, I have lost 3 inches from my waist. I also found detailed measurements from 1995, which show I could lose 3 more inches from the waist. I was 21 in 1995. So maybe this isn't realistic, but still . . . 6 inches!? That's like one of those ads where someone pulls out their giant old pants! How did this happen? I really can't complain, my clothes fit better, my belly is flatter, etc. But here I am, complaining.

Another thing about this is that my weight gain has coincided perfectly with the advent of vanity sizing in women's clothing. So, at 125 pounds, I was a size 6, and at 145 pounds, I am still a size six. Of course, the size 6 pants bought in 1995 don't come close to fitting like the size six bought in 2005. Ann Taylor and Banana Republic --> Enablers, right? My waist has expanded with the popularity of low-rise jeans. I am nothing if not in fashion.

One thing I will say is that I have more empathy for overweight people than I ever did before. Fat sneaks up on you, and it IS hard to get rid of it. I've lost a few pounds before with the Atkin's diet, Slimfast, etc. But I don't like to live that way, and it always came right back, and then some. I'm trying to turn back the tide NOW, before things get out of control.

Finally, I want to add that I did not start running/swimming/biking to lose weight. I did it for my health. And for the sense of accomplishment. And I AM healthier. Body fat is down, heart rate is down, I can run, swim and bike further than ever before. Being healthy feels good. But you know, I did expect to lose a few pounds.

OK. I think I'm done. Just needed to vent.